At the risk of sounding like an angsty, ungrateful person obsessed with having a perfect relationship, I’m going to post this anyway because perhaps I’m just that: an angsty, ungrateful person…
To justify the above statement, humans are built to have relationships and to love and be love. Its only natural that I love you and you love me… although we do have our issues- at least i do anyway
Here is what i have decided:
I’m going to school in Philadelphia, away from you, because I want to follow my dream. I know you have supported me and said that I can do whatever I want so I don’t feel bad about making the decision. I WISH that you would be a little more sad that I’m leaving, and we’ll most likely spend another 5 years apart…
Even if i asked you, you probably wouldn’t come visit me on the weekends because that would be more complicated for you. I’d have to keep chasing you, I’d have to put in the effort- which i’ve always done- I’ve always chased you. You say i’m one of the only things that makes you happy and yet whenever i try to tell you how i feel you shut down and push me away.
It scares me that you’re not motivated. You hate your job, you hate your life, you’d rather quit and be a bum for the rest of your life instead of finishing what you started… you don’t want to live past the age of fifty. You don’t want to grow old with me, or anyone for that matter. You don’t want to see your kids have successful lives. You just want to get fucked up while you still can so that way when you died you can say that you’ve had one hell of a fucking life… I wish you could see in yourself what i see in you- and that is that your worth so much more than that, you have so much potential, you could do anything you want if you’re really passionate about it. You’re not happy in your life now- and i can tell. I HATE that you feel the need to self medicate. “because its fun” you say… “because its better than being sober”- THATS an issue. And if you can’t see that idk how i can help you…
Its so hard because I love you and I don’t know how to be without you but I’m not happy and I need a break. I don’t want to waste my life waiting for us to find the perfect circumstance for us to live life together… I know your good to me, but sometimes I feel like you don’t value what I have to say or what I do- “She’s just young… she doesn’t know what she’s talking about.” “her opinion is wrong”
I would never give you an ultimatum like “If you can’t stop drinking, then i’m leaving”- its not in my nature to do that and i think that wouldn’t be fair to you. I want to help you, i’ve tried helping you. I’M NOT STUPID. I’M ACTUALLY PRETTY SMART AND HAVE A LOT OF CONFIDENCE IN MYSELF. But you bring me down by not wanting to listen to what i have to say, or not esponding to it, or just having an attitude like “what a naiive little girl…”
You don’t think its hard for me to live up to a certain standard? You don’t think its hard to stay positive? You don’t think I can do shit? I’ve worked so hard to get to where i am now. I can’t even count all the hours i’ve spent on my education and also improving my self esteem and making sure that i’m being the best person that i can be. ITS HARD. LIFE IS HARD SOMETIMES. BUT YOU JUST GOTTA SUCK IT UP AND CAN’T COMPLAIN AND DON’T COUNT ON ANYONE TO REALLY BE THERE FOR YOU BECAUSE MOST OF THE TIME THEY JUST FLAKE OUT ON YOU OR SOMETHING HAPPENS WHEN YOU CAN’T BE FRIENDS ANYMORE AND PEOPLE CHANGE AND PEOPLE ARE STUPID AND EVERYONE DOES SHITTY THINGS AND IT SUCKS AND IT HURTS SO YOU JUST HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT AND MOVE ON WITH A SMILE ON YOUR FACE AND FORGET ABOUT THE BAD SO THAT YOU CAN FOCUS ON THE GOOD.
Its all about fucking balance… I can’t have everything I want- I try really ahrd to give the people I care about everything that they want. I focus a lot of my energy on trying to make everyone else happy. And you just sit there living live passively, not caring about what anyone else thinks or does…….
I really don’t want to be a bitch… I just get really worked up about US sometimes. I DONT WANT TO END UP RESENTING WHAT YOU DO AND HOW YOU TREAT ME BECAUSE IT MAKES ME SO ANGRY.
Its a two way street- I need you to help me in our relationship by telling me what i can do better too. I don’t want you to resent me either…
I don’t think that what i want out of our relationship is unrealistic or unfair- I think its pretty fundamental. But if you disagree you have to tell me. Tell me if i’m being crazy- I Don’t want to push you away…
I’ll try my hardest to stitch this, but I don’t want to lose anymore sleep over it…
I want really simple things. Simple things make me so happy. But i feel like you think i’m retarded when i ask for them…
meet me half way =(